The Matrix: Dear god, not ANOTHER parody
by Cosmnicon
Summary: A humourous take on the first Matrix film. Several people have read this parody and their opinon on it have been along the lines of 'extremely funny should be made into a film'. Please read and review!


THE MATRIX

Dear God, not ANOTHER parody

(A black screen: So close it has no boundaries. Green computer code flashes in the darkness, and two voices are heard over the pulsing silence.)

Trinity: Hello, Cypher. What are you doing here?

Cypher: Perving. What else?

Trinity: Oh, ok.

Cypher: But I'm not the only one who's perving, am I, Trinity?

Trinity: What are you talking about?

Cypher: You like watching him, don't you?

Trinity: Shut up.

Cypher: Come on, admit it!

Trinity: I said shut up, bitch!

(There is an awkward pause.)

Trinity: Are you sure this line's not tapped?

Cypher (in a smug voice): How sure was everyone that the moon landing was real?

Trinity: Not very.

Cypher: Exactly!

(The camera flies through the computer screen and through the numbers, and hits the face of a torch.)

Cameraman: Ouch!

(The camera backs up, and shows a group of policemen searching a hotel. They come to a door, and open it. Inside the room is Trinity sitting down at a laptop. Outside, there are a multitude of police cars sitting around the hotel under the night sky. A lieutenant looks up at the hotel, but his attention is soon turned to a car that has just pulled up beside him. Agents step out, and walk up to the lieutenant.)

Agent Smith: Lieutenant, you were given orders.

(The lieutenant and Agent Smith both vaguely stare at each other for a few moments.)

Lieutenant: Which were...?

Agent Smith: Oh, I forget.

Lieutenant: Well, you can shove that jurisdiction crap up your ass!

Agent Smith: No Lieutenant, your men are already dead.

(Ok, that conversation was a bit disjointed but oh well. Back inside, one of the policemen comes up behind Trinity and attempts to handcuff her. But she breaks his arm, slaps him in the face and kicks him into the wall with a cinematography-revolutionising bullet-time kick. It really just involves the cameraman running in circles a lot.)

Cameraman: Phew!

(One of the other policemen shoots at her, but she runs up the wall, jumps off and kicks him in the chest. The other policeman has a quiet crap, before being pummelled to the ground. A phone on a table rings - she picks it up.)

Trinity: Hello?

Morpheus: WAAAAAAAAASSSSUUUUUUP?

Trinity: Nothing much.

Morpheus: Good. I just called to say I love you.

Trinity: For the umpteenth time Morpheus, you are NOT Stevie Wonder.

Morpheus: I'm looking for Mike Crotch.

Trinity: Morhpeus!

Morpheus: Sorry Trinity. Tank put me up to it - you know how he loves prank calls.

Trinity: Look, Morpheus, WHY on Earth do I have to wear this God-forsaken full-body leather jumpsuit? It chafes so badly it draws blood!

Morpheus: Are you sure you want to know the real reason why I make you wear it?

Trinity: ........................

Morpheus: Good! Now you can get on with your mission!

(A few minutes later, Trinity is running on the roof tops of buildings being shot at from behind by chasing policemen and an agent. An enormous gap between two buildings lies up ahead.)

Trinity: Ok Trinity, use the power of the bowel. THE POWER OF THE BOWEL...!

(Making a very loud flatulent noise, Trinity flies into the air and clears the gap. An agent does the same and begins to catch her up.)

Trinity: Shit!

(She trips up, falls off the side of the building and crashes through a window, down a flight of stairs and landing on a floor. She quickly whips out two guns expertly and points them up at the broken window, successfully making it look like she had done it on purpose.)

Trinity: Get up, Trinity. GET UP, YOU FAT BITCH!

(Trinity eventually makes it onto the street below. There is a phone box just up ahead; it is ringing. She begins to run to it, but a lorry randomly appears and makes for the phone box as well. Trinity quickly gets inside and picks up the phone - Morhpeus is on the other end.)

Morpheus: I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss.

Trinity: Shut up and get me out of the Matrix!

(The lorry drives into the phone box, smashing it into pieces. An agent gets out and walks over to the debris. Some more agents randomly appear next to him. Trinity's body is nowhere to be seen.)

Agent 1: She got out.

Agent 2: No shit, Sherlock!

(Later: Neo's grotty little apartment. Neo is sleeping at his computer with his face peacefully pressed against the keyboard. He is wearing headphones with one of Patrick Moore's astronomy tapes playing, ((Neo found these to be far more effective than sleeping pills)). Some drool drops out of his mouth and hits the keyboard, giving him a mild electric shock and waking him up.)

Neo: Argh, bloody bees...

(There is a message on his computer screen.)

Screen: Wake up, Neo.

Neo: I am up, stupid!

Screen: The Matrix has you...

Neo: The dominatrix has me?

Screen: No, the MATRIX...

Neo: Oh.

Screen: Follow the white rabbit.

Neo: What the HELL are you going on about!?

(There is a pause.)

Screen: Knock knock, Neo.

(There is a knock on the door of Neo's apartment.)

Neo: Ok, this is scary...

(He opens the door. A group of punk/goth people are standing outside.)

Neo (in a completely random Italian accent): Where's ma moneh?

Punk/Goth person: Shuduppa yo' face. I gotta yo moneh - 2 grand.

(The Punk/Goth person hands him the cash. Neo goes back inside, takes a book from a shelf entitled 'there are no illegal computer discs in here' and opens it, revealing a secret compartment filled with illegal computer discs. He fishes one out, goes back to the door and gives it to the Punk/Goth person.)

Neo: If you're caught using that -

Punk/Goth person: Yeah yeah, I know. I'll say I've got the actual album at home and this is just a burnt copy I made...

Neo: No, I didn't mean that. I meant that if you're caught listening to Dire Straits... well, I'm not going into that.

Punk/Goth person: Hey dude, you look like you need to unwind. What's the matter?

Neo: Have you ever felt that you're awake but still dreaming?

Punk/Goth person: Your computer's talking to you again, isn't it?

Neo: ... yes.

Punk/Goth person: You wanna come with us to a psychedelic nightclub?

Neo: Um, I've got work in the morning.

Punk/Goth person: Should we take him with us, pet?

Punk/Goth woman: Whatever.

(Neo notices a tattoo on the Punk/Goth woman's shoulder - 'follow them to the nightclub' it says.)

Neo: Talk about a subtle hint...

(At the psychedelic nightclub, Neo stands alone against the wall bobbing his head to Rob Zombie's 'Dragula'. Trinity then appears and walks up really close to him and whispers in his ear.)

Trinity (whispering): Hello.

Neo: Uh, hi -

Trinity (whispering): Ssh! Keep quiet!

Neo (trying to talk above the loud music): What!? I can't hear you!

Trinity: Ssh!

Neo: WHAT!?

(Trinity sighs, and then resorts to Plan B. She gives Neo a tin can, goes to the other side of the nightclub and puts her own can to her ear. The two cans are joined by a piece of string. Neo puts his can to his ear.)

Neo: Hello?

Trinity: Hello, Neo.

Neo: How do you know that name?

Trinity: Because I'm a magician who creeps into your bedroom at night and sucks out your thoughts and dreams.

Neo: Oh. And you are...?

Trinity: I am Trinity.

Neo: Trinity!? The one who I met on that internet chat room?

Trinity: Yep.

Neo: Hang on, I thought you were, like, a man!

Trinity: Most male chauvinist pigs do.

(There is an awkward pause.)

Trinity: Neo, I know why you live alone, and why you spend night after night sitting at your computer. It's because you're a boring old fart.

(Neo starts to cry.)

Trinity: But that's not the only reason; you're looking for someone - Morpheus. And he is looking for you. If I didn't know any better I'd say that your two were internet lovers, but that is not the case. THEY ARE COMING FOR YOU, NEO.

Neo: Who are?

(Morning: Neo wakes up in bed.)

Neo: What the hell?

(He realises the time on his alarm clock. He is late for work.)

Neo: Curse you and your eternal chronological correctness!

(He throws it at the wall. Later, Neo is standing in his Boss' office in his company's skyscraper. Window wipers are cleaning the windows outside.)

Boss: You have a problem with authority, Mr. Anderson. You believe that you are special, that the rules do not -

(Before he can finish his sentence Neo throws him out of the window. The window wipers stare at him in disbelief.)

Neo: Uh-oh, I better get rid of the witnesses as well...

(After doing the same to the cleaners, Neo returns to his office box. Sitting in his office chair, an angry realisation comes to him.)

Neo: How can they call it a box when it only has 3 sides...!? (Begins to shake his fist)

(Before erupting into a confused fit of rage, a winged postman materialises in front of him.)

Winged Postman: Delivery for Thomas Anderson.

(He gives Neo as parcel, and then dematerialises.)

Neo: Ok, this parody is just getting too random...

(He opens the parcel and a mobile phone falls out into his hand. It rings.)

Neo: Hello...?

Morpheus: Hi, I'm looking for Hugh, Hugh Jass.

(Neo stands up and looks over the walls of his office box.)

Neo: Is there a Hugh Jass here? I need to see a Hugh Jass!

(All of his colleagues laugh at him. He then realizes what he has just said. Down the other end of the line, Morpheus and Tank are laughing their heads off.)

Tank: I can't believe it worked!

Morpheus: There's one in every state!

(Neo gets angry and talks back down the phone.)

Neo: Look here, you little scallywag! If I catch you, I'm gonna -

Morpheus: Neo, get out of the building.

Neo: Uuuhh... why?

Morpheus: Crouch down and, looking like a fool, run to the door on the right-hand wall.

(Neo does so. He crouches down and looks like a fool, running all around the workplace searching for the door. Morhpheus and Tank watch all of this on their Matrix-code screen, and cannot stop crying with laughter.)

Morpheus: Waaaahaaahaaaaaaahaaaa! (Sob) He looks so (sob) stupid! Wahaaaaaaahaaaaa!

(Neo eventually makes it to the door, goes inside to a deserted office with an open window.)

Neo: What do I do now?

Morhpheus (in tears): Right, now step out onto that window ledge and act like a chicken!

Neo: Will that help me at all?

Morpheus: Just do as you're told!

(Neo steps carefully out of the window, stands precautiously on the narrow ledge high above the streets below and begins to flap his arms like a chicken.)

Morpheus: Don't forget the noises!

Neo: Oh, alright.

(He starts clucking like a chicken. Within 2 hours, the world's media have their inquisitive eyes on him. His chicken impersonations have over 1 billion people glued to news channels on their televisions. On one news channel, a camera is looking out the side of the open window, showing a policeman reaching for Neo.)

Policeman: Don't do it, sir! You have your whole life ahead of you!

Neo: Cluck! Cluck!

(Morpheus and Tank cry with laughter, watching all this on their screen. Tank is sprawled over the desk sobbing, and Morpheus is rolled up on the floor gripping his stomach.)

Morpheus: It's just so (sob)... funny!

(Later, Neo is taken into custody. He sits on a chair behind a table in a dismal room. The door opens and agents walk in. Agent Smith sits down at the table in front of him.)

Agent Smith: We've been watching you, Mr, Anderson.

Neo: Hah! The whole fing WORLD'S been watching me...

(Agent Smith drops a dossier onto the table, and leafs through it.)

Agent Smith: You're here, because we need your help.

(He smiles weirdly. Neo gets uncomfortable.)

Agent Smith: It appears that you've been living two lives, Mr. Anderson.

(Neo gets hot under the collar. His illegal music download ring had been discovered!)

Agent: In one life you are a program writer for a respectable software company. You have a social security number, you pay your taxes and you help your landlady carry out her garbage. And in the other life... you are a chicken.

Neo: Umm... Yeah! A chicken! (Phew!)

Agent Smith: One of these lives has a future, Mr. Anderson. I have a proposal for you - you become the official mascot for our Kentucky fried chicken business and we pay you royalties. You obviously have the natural talent for it.

Neo: Yeah, well that sounds good to me. But I've got a better idea; how about I give you the finger, and you give me my phone call?

(Neo sticks a slightly bent middle finger up at Agent Smith. Smith gets up and walks round to him.)

Agent Smith: But Mr. Anderson, what use is a phone call if you are unable to speak?

Neo: Well, if you can't speak then I suppose a phone call is pretty much useless.

(There is a pause and a silence.)

Agent Smith: I'm sorry; the effects team missed their cue. Let me repeat. Ahem - but Mr. Anderson, what use is a phone call if you are unable to speak?

(Neo's mouth closes and fuses shut.)

Agent Smith: Ah, much better!

(Next instant: Neo randomly wakes up in his bed again.)

Neo: Damn, I really need the doctor to have a look at these blackouts I keep having...

(He hears a quiet laughter coming from... his pocket!? He reaches in and pulls out the mobile phone which he received in the mail. He puts it to his ear. There is roaring laughter on the other end.)

Morpheus: Oh God that was so funny! I don't think I'll ever stop laughing!

Tank: Me too!

Neo: Hello?

Morpheus: Ahem - yes. Err... go to the Adam's street bridge.

Neo: Why?

Morpheus: JUST DO IT! Hey, I sound like a Nike advertisement! Hehehehe....

(Adam's street bridge: it is absolutely pouring with rain, and Neo is standing undercover freezing. A car pulls up in front of him. The door swings open.)

Trinity: Get in - I've got candy...

Neo: Ooh! I love candy!

(Neo gets in the car.)

Neo: Where's my candy?

Trinity: It was a lie.

Neo: Oh... so, why am I here then?

Trinity: We're taking you to Morpheus.

Neo: Does he have candy?

Trinity: No.

Neo: Does ANYBODY here have candy?

(Switch turns round and points a water gun at Neo's head over the top of the front seat.)

Switch: Shut up or I'll spray you with harmless water!

(Neo fails to look intimidated.)

Neo: I think I might just not have ANY stupid candy at all, then! (Makes a face like an upset toddler)

(Trinity then produces a large contraption from nowhere.)

Trinity: Take off your shirt.

Neo: Hey, now isn't the time for that...

Trinity: Do it, bitch!

(Neo pulls up his shirt. Trinity places a weird bulbous nozzle to his stomach.)

Trinity: We think you're bugged.

(The contraption makes a lot of whirring noises, and eventually extracts Santa Claus from the depths of Neo's belly button.)

Neo: Holy shit, that thing's real!?

(Trinity then rolls down her window and throws Santa out onto the road. A little while later, Trinity and Neo wait in the corridor outside a room in an old building.)

Trinity: Remember Neo, he knows more than what you think.

(Neo became slightly scared at this prospect. They walk in through the double doors. A black man with a cool leather jacket is standing at the other side of the room looking out of the window.)

Neo: He doesn't know about the porn stash under my bed, does he?

(The man turns around with a manic grin on his face.)

Morpheus: He does now!

Neo: Shit...

(Trinity leaves the room. Morpheus walks up to Neo.)

Neo: Umm... so, you're Morpheus?

Morpheus: Yes, Neo. I have been searching for you for years.

Neo: It's an honour to meet you...

Morpheus: No no, the honour is truly mine...

(Morpheus put out his hand. Neo shakes it, and is electrocuted. Neo falls to the floor, and Morpheus shows him the buzzer secretly strapped to his hand.)

Morpheus: Heeheehee, sorry but I just couldn't help myself!

(Morpheus helps Neo off the floor.)

Morpheus: You may be wondering why you are here.

Neo: Yes, I think I fing well DO wonder why I'm here!

Morpheus: Please, sit.

(Neo and Morpheus sit down in two armchairs facing each other.)

Morpheus: You have heard of the Matrix, haven't you?

Neo: Yep.

Morpheus: Do you want to know what IT is?

Neo: Well, not really -

Morpheus: The Matrix is all around you. It is the air you breathe, the food you eat, and the excretion you leave behind in your toilet. You can see it when you look out your window, and when you turn on the adult channels on your television. You can feel it when you walk to work, when you go to church, and when you pay your taxes. It is -

Neo: I'm confused.

Morpheus: (Sigh) I suppose you'll have to see it for yourself.

(Morpheus stretches out his hands - in one is a red pill, and in the other is a blue pill.)

Morpheus: Take the red pill, you stay in wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Choose the blue pill, and you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe.

Neo: Sounds like some dodgy porn film to me...

(Neo reaches for the blue pill. Morpheus quickly swings his hand backwards and throws the blue pill out of the window behind him.)

Morpheus: Whoops! My hand slipped.

Neo: (Sigh)...

(Neo takes the red pill, and swallows it.)

Morpheus: Now, follow me.

(In another room of the building, Neo is strapped into a chair with cables all plugged into unusual places of his body. Cypher, Switch and Apoc, Trinity and Morpheus are all monitoring computer screens and panels.)

Morpheus: The pill you took was part of a trace program to find your carrier signal and blah yeugh bleurgh.

Neo: ............ what does that mean?

Cypher: It means hold on Dorothy, 'cause Kansas is going bye-bye.

Neo: ................. What does that mean?

Trinity: Shut up, bitch!

(Neo starts to feel weird. Morpheus struts over to him.)

Morpheus: Have you ever felt that there was something else other than the real world? That there was more to the world than eating, sleeping, shitting and having sex?

(Pause.)

Morpheus: Well, there isn't really. But still...

(Neo looks to his right - there is a mirror. Its shiny surface begins to ripple.)

Morpheus: You've been living in a dream world, Neo.

(Neo touches the mirror. His hand melts into it, and he takes it back out. A blob of fluid mirror remains on his hand, and it rapidly covers his entire body.)

Switch: He's going into shock.

Apoc: I've got him!

(Neo screams, and the camera flies into his mouth and down his throat.)

Cameraman: That was a tight squeeze...

(Neo wakes up. He sits up, ripping through an icky lining of red mucus stuff. He looks around - he is sitting in a pod sticking out from a huge tower. He looks around some more - he realizes there are billions more pods and hundreds more towers. Suddenly, a floating robot sentinel zooms up and hovers in front of him.)

Robot: Tch, looks like we got another renegade...

(The robot grabs a hold of Neo, and all of the pipes connected to his body pop out. The plug connected to his head also pops out, and the robot lets go of him. The back of his pod opens up, and Neo is swept down a huge pipe.)

Neo: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(He then lands in a yucky pool of yucky yuck-yuck.)

Neo: Yuck...

(A shining light glows above him - a white square appears, and a massive claw lowers down and picks Neo up and reels him in.)

Cypher: Look what I found in the grabbing machine...!

(Neo wakes up. He gazes through blurred vision and hurting eyes, to find he is surrounded by Switch, Apoc, Trinity, Cypher and Morpheus.)

Morpheus: Welcome... to the real world... dum dum DUUUM

(Neo just stares at him.)

Morpheus: Excuse me for that little sound effect. I just couldn't help myself!

Neo: Am I dead?

Morpheus: Well, heh, that's an interesting story because while we were trying to revive you, you actually did die for a few minutes -

Trinity: Stick to the bloody script for once Morpheus!

(Later on, Neo is covered with needles.)

Neo: Why are all these needles stuck in me?

Morpheus: We're trying to make a new Hellraiser film.

(Yet another awkward pause.)

Morpheus: Heh, had you there didn't I? No, actually we just stuck needles into you for our own twisted pleasure. Hehehe -

(Trinity holds up a copy of the Matrix script to him.)

Morpheus: Uh, you're muscles have afree-something-or-other. We are rebuilding them.

Neo: Why do my eyes hurt?

Morpheus: God almighty, stop asking me all these bloody questions!

(Trinity throws the script at him.)

Morpheus: Sorry! Umm... line, line... oh yeah! - You've never used them before. Because you were plugged into a false reality. And you thought it was real. But it wasn't. But you thought it _was_.

Trinity: Argh!

(EVEN later on, Neo wakes up in a bed. He rises up, and feels a weird plastic object on the back of his head - a power socket. No, REALLY, a power socket like the ones in your house. Morpheus comes in.)

Morpheus: You said you wanted to know what the Matrix is?

Neo: No I didn't -

Morpheus: Come with me!

(Morpheus leads Neo to the main deck.)

Morpheus: This is my ship; the Nibble-can-fezzer.

Neo: Are you sure it's called that?

Morpheus: We don't know how to pronounce the name, but that's the closest we've got. This is my able-bodied crew. Some of them you have met already - Trinity, Switch, Apoc, and Cypher. The ones you haven't - Mouse, Tank and his big brother Dozey.

Dozer: I've told you a million times, it's DOZER!

Morpheus: Yes Dozey, very nice. And also the newest member of the crew - Harvey the rabbit.

(Morpheus gestures to a wall.)

Neo: There's nothing there, Morpheus.

Morpheus: There is! If you just keep looking hard enough you'll see him - aw well, looks like he's being a bit shy today.

(Switch whispers to Trinity.)

Switch: He's been changing the script again, hasn't he?

Trinity: No no, he's never CHANGED the script...

(She opens the script and reads it. There are a lot of scribbles in red ink, crossings out and doodles.)

Trinity: Dear God...

Morpheus: Right Tank, jack us off!

(Everybody stares at him.)

Morpheus: Whoops! I mean, jack us in!

(Neo gets into a chair.)

Morpheus: Now, this'll sting a little...

(A big strange needle pokes into Neo's power socket and into his brain.)

Neo: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH where am I?

Morpheus: In an endless white void.

Neo: I can SEE that.

Morpheus: Heh. This is the construct. It is a loading program, where we can load anything from training simulations, weapons, porn - anything we need. It is in fact like the Matrix itself.

Neo: No! It can't be...

Morpheus: Is it so hard not to believe? You hair is longer, your clothes are different. What you are experiencing now is residual self image.

Neo: Which is...?

Morpheus: I have absolutely no idea whatsoever.

(Morpheus gestures at a television sitting just a few feet away from them. Images flash on the screen.)

Morpheus: The world now only exists as part of a neural network mainframe simulation thingy, known as the Matrix. It is a dream world designed to keep us humans under control.

(The scene then changes to a grey jagged cliff side. Thunderstorms overhead roll with thunder and lightning.)

Morpheus: Welcome to candy land.

Neo: What the hell...?

Morpheus: Ages ago humanity was united in celebration of their own magnificence, and they gave birth to AI.

Neo: Artificial intelligence?

Morpheus: Well done, Neo. You can have a lolly pop. Yes, AI; a single entity that gave birth to an entire race of machines. It was thought that without an energy source as abundant as the sun, the machines would not be able to survive. So we fed the sky up, as you can see. But the machines discovered that we humans gave off enough energy to keep them alive. Humans are no longer born - we are manufactured in a dodgy old factory. You've been living in a dream world, Neo, designed to turn a human into this.

(He holds up a Duracell bunny toy. It begins to move its legs and clang two cymbals together.)

Morpheus: Hee-hee! This reminds me of Harvey, actually...!

(Neo staggers backwards.)

Neo: No, this can't be true! Let me out! Let me out!

(Neo and Morpheus are released from the construct. Neo stumbles drunkenly around the ship's deck. He falls to the floor, gasping for breath.)

Trinity: Breathe, Neo!

(There is a wet flatulent sound from Morpheus' trousers.)

Switch: Oh, Morpheus!

Morpheus: Sorry! The power of the bowel is strong with me...

(The smell makes it impossible for Neo to breathe.)

Cypher: He's gonna pop!

(Neo's head explodes.)

Morpheus: Heheh... I like all of the changes to the script I made...

(Later: Neo's head has been rebuilt, and wakes up in his cabin. Morpheus is sitting behind him.)

Neo: Um... why were you watching me in my sleep?

Morpheus: No I wasn't, Neo. Harvey escaped from his cage and ran away, so I came in here to look for him and -

Neo: Ok, I get the point. I can't go back, can I?

Morpheus: No. I'm sorry Neo; we have an age for when we free a mind.

Neo: So, why were you searching for me in the first place?

Morpheus: Because the script told me to.

Neo: Oh.

Morpheus: And the script says that you are the One, Neo. You can do anything you want.

Neo: I can jaywalk, you mean?

Morpheus: If you want to.

(Neo jumps up.)

Neo: WHOO-HOOOOO!

(Morpheus starts to leave the room.)

Morpheus: Get ready Neo - your training begins shortly.

Neo: Ok.

Morpheus: And I'd look under my bed, if I were you. Harvey may have left a few little surprises under there...

(The Main Deck: Neo is sitting ready in the chair. Tank is sitting at his Matrix-screen computer desk, sorting through different CD's.)

Tank: I'm supposed to start with some basic training first, but I think we'll jump straight into frying your brain.

(He pushes a CD into a drive. The name of the training activity appears on a screen next to Neo's head.)

Neo: Ju Jitsu? I'm going to learn Ju Jitsu?

Tank: No, you're going to learn how to WIG ju-jitsu. Man, if you were going to learn the actual whole art of Ju Jitsu it would take years!

(Tank presses a button - the entire art of wigging Ju Jitsu is crammed into Neo's mind.)

Neo: Holy shit!

Tank: I think he likes it! Want some more?

Neo: Hell yes!

(Ten hours later - Morpheus drops in to check their progress.)

Morpheus: How is he doing?

Tank: Ten hours straight, sir. I think we should stop -

Neo: No, more! I want more! MORE!

Morpheus: I think you've had quite enough.

(Morpheus lowers his face over Neo's.)

Neo: I know kung fu.

Morpheus: Whoopty-doo. Show me what you got!

(Morpheus and Neo enter the construct. They stand inside an oriental fighting hut.)

Morpheus: We shall fight to the death. The winner will take the loser's head and put it on a stake -

Neo: It might just be me, but I'm pretty sure that's not part of the script.

Morpheus: ................................... That bloody script is getting on my nerves......

(They begin fighting. They do all sorts of kung fu techniques - Neo performs a touch of death in Morpheus' eyes.)

Morpheus: Ow! No fair!

Neo: Touch of death! (Makes aeroplane noises)

(They fight some more. After watching them fight on a screen, Mouse goes to the food hall to tell the others. )

Mouse: Hey! Morpheus and Neo are fighting each other!

(The others continue eating their food.)

Mouse: Erm... the last ever episode of the Teletubbies is on! You HAVE to see it!

(The others get up immediately and rush as fast as they can to the main deck.)

Epoch: I bet that La-La finds out about Tinky Winky and Dipsy's shameless sex affair!

Trinity: No, I think Po will have a horrible crash on his scooter and fall into a coma, and the others will have to turn off his life support machine -

(They get to the deck and see Neo and Morpheus lying in their chairs.)

Dozer: Aw, boring!

(Mouse stares in awe at their bodies, doing nothing but breathing.)

Mouse: Check out those neural kinetics between their asses and their chairs!

Cypher: I wanted to see Teletubbies!

(Neo keeps trying to hit Morpheus, but keeps missing.)

Morpheus: Come on, stop trying to hit me and hit me!

Neo (confused): What the hell is that supposed to mean?

(Morpheus sighs. He punches Neo in the chest, and he goes flying into a wooden pillar breaking it in half.)

Morpheus: Do you think me being stronger and faster has anything to do with my muscles in this place?

(Neo remains looking highly confused.)

Neo: Can you stop talking in fing riddles for once?

(He bends down to Neo. There is a squeaky, wet flatulent noise from Morpheus' rear end. )

Morpheus: Do you think that's air you're breathing now?

(Neo gags at the smell.)

Neo: Right, that's it!

(Neo jumps up and fires a swathe of slick kung fu moves at Morpheus. Morpheus is backed into a pillar, where Neo smoothly executes a punch and stops it expertly just a few millimetres from his face. There is a victorious silence, and Neo looks extremely smug with his triumph.)

Neo: Oh, what the hell...

(Neo performs the remainder of the punch. Morpheus falls to the floor grasping his bleeding face in agony.)

Morpheus: Right, I think we should move onto the next exercise...

(The oriental fighting hut disappears and a cityscape appears below them. Their feet softly land on a tall skyscraper. Well, actually only Morpheus - Neo slams face-down on the hard surface. They are now wearing different clothes.)

Morpheus: This is the jump program. In this exercise, you must use the power of the bowel to free your mind and clear this impossibly big gap of certain death.

(Morpheus scrunches his face up to Neo.)

Morpheus: Free your bowel...

(Morpheus turns around and farts big-time, jettisoning him into the air and landing him safely on the opposing building.)

Neo: Ok Neo, free your bowel, free your bowel. AGGGGGGHHHHHH -

(Neo jumps off the side of the building, but only manages a weak squeaky little fart and falls.)

Neo: SSSHHHIIITTT - !

Morpheus: No no, you're going to have to learn the art of following through for that.

Neo: SHUT UP MORPHEUS...

(Neo hits the street below, which goes all bendy like a trampoline and catapults him back up a few feet, before going all hard again and letting him fall and breaking his face on it.)

Mouse: Wh-what does that mean?

Switch: It means he's going to have a nose job, dummy.

Cypher: Everyone falls the first time, right Trin?

(Trinity has disappeared.)

Cypher: How rude...

(Morpheus and Neo exit the construct. Neo reaches inside his mouth, revealing blood on his fingers.)

Neo: I thought it wasn't real?

Morpheus: Your mind makes it real.

Neo: If you die in the Matrix, you die here?

Morpheus: The body cannot live without the mind. Which actually isn't true and therefore the script is completely incorrect and inaccurate with modern science and -

(Trinity taps a strict finger on the script.)

Morpheus: Do you always bring that round with you?

(A few hours later, Trinity walks with a dinner tray to Neo's cabin. Cypher is standing there by the door.)

Cypher: I don't remember you ever bringing me dinner.

Trinity: That's because I believe that you are a faggot.

Cypher: There's something about him, isn't there?

Trinity: Don't tell me you're a believer now?

(Cypher begins dancing around and singing to The Monkees' 'I'm A Believer'. Trinity stares blankly at him.)

Trinity: This story is just getting fing weird now...

(Morpheus strides effortlessly through a crowded downtown street, while Neo behind him struggles to keep up.)

Morpheus: The Matrix is a system Neo, and that system is our enemy. Look around - lawyers, businessmen, teachers, carpenters - the very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still part of that system and that means they are a bunch of poo-heads. You have to understand that most of these people are not ready to be unplugged; they are so hopelessly dependent on the system that they will fight to protect it.

(A woman in a red dress passes and suggestively winks at Neo.)

Morpheus: Are you listening to me Neo or were you looking at the woman in the red dress?

Neo: Hmm... listen to a boring man wearing glasses drag on about boring things or look at a sexy woman wearing a red dress? I fcking wonder!

Morpheus: Look again.

Neo: Yes, I shall.

(Neo turns around. Agent Smith in a frilly pink tutu is leaning over to him with puckered lips. Neo screams.)

Morpheus: Freeze it.

(Everything stops. Neo looks around.)

Neo: This isn't the Matrix?

Morpheus: No - it is another training program designed to teach you one thing. If you are not one of us you are one of them.

Neo: You mean I'm a transvestite?

Morpheus: No - sentient programs. They can move in and out of any software still hardwired to the system. That means that anyone we haven't unplugged is potentially an Agent. Inside the Matrix, they are everyone and no-one. Like the Bogey-man.

Neo: I'm confused.

Morpheus: You were BORN confused. Anyway, we have survived by hiding from them, running from them, hiding from them, running from them some more, then hiding again. But someone is going to have to fight them.

Neo: Someone?

Morpheus: I won't lie to you, Neo. Every man and woman who has stood their ground, who has fought an agent has had their ass seriously kicked but where they failed you will succeed.

Neo: ......

Morpheus: OK, you'll get your ass kicked a _little _bit. But a can of whoop-ass is nothing to be scared of.

Neo: ......

Morpheus: Well, it _is_. But the mighty One laughs in the face of self ass-whoopage!

Neo ......

Morpheus: OK, maybe you don't. But you're not one to have their ass kicked.

Neo: ......

Morpheus: OK, maybe you -

Neo: For Christ's sake, shut up! Look, why will _I _succeed?

Morpheus: I've seen an Agent punched through a concrete wall. Men have emptied entire clips at them and have hit nothing but air. I have even seen them sit and watch an entire Patrick Moore marathon, and they didn't yawn once, let alone attempt suicide.

Neo: I quite like Patrick Moore, actually...

(Morpheus stares at him.)

Morpheus: NEVER let anyone hear you say that. Anyway, their strength and their speed are still based in a world that is built on rules. Because of that, they will never be as strong, fast, or as much an idiot as you.

Neo: What? Are you trying to tell me that I can dodge bullets?

Morpheus: No, Neo. I'm saying that when you're ready, you won't have to.

(Morpheus grins at him. Neo scratches his head.)

Morpheus: Did ANY of that get through?

Neo: No, sorry.

(Morpheus sighs. His mobile phone rings. He takes it out of his pocket - it is one of those really old large brick phones. Thinking it looks cool, he smugly puts it against his ear.)

Morpheus: Hello, Magic Morpheus speaking.

Tank: We got trouble.

(Back in the real world, Tank is piloting the ship. Morpheus, Neo and Trinity arrive in the cockpit.)

Morpheus: What is it?

Tank: We got a squiddy.

Neo: What's that?

Trinity: A sentinel. A killing machine designed for one thing.

Neo: Killing, maybe?

Trinity: That's the one.

(Neo notices they are travelling through large tunnels.)

Neo: Where are we?

Trinity: The sewers. They used to be cities, but the machines came and forced the remainder of the human race to Zion.

Neo: What's Zion?

Trinity: Morpheus is right; you DO ask too many questions.

(On a 3-dimensional holographic projection of the radar, a sentinel appears.)

Neo: Aww, it looks quite cute actually.

Tank: Can someone please tell him to shut up?

Morpheus: Tank, charge the EMP.

Neo: EMP?

Trinity: Especially Meaty Penis.

Neo: That's disgusting!

Trinity: Hehe. It doesn't really mean that. It actually means Eat My Pies.

Neo: ...................

Trinity: Only fooling with you - it stands for Electro-Magnetic Pulse. Much less exciting, isn't it?

(Neo nods his head in agreement. The group huddle together in silence. The sentinel passes by - stops, looks around - and then continues past the ship. Tank eases his grip on the EMP switch.)

Neo: Bit of an anticlimax, wasn't it? Heehaw -

(Neo is hit over the head by a saucepan, compliments of Dozer.)

Morpheus: Ah! Thank-you, Dozey.

Dozer: It's DOZER!

Morpheus: Oh Dozey, you look so cute when you're angry.

Trinity: Hang on - we don't have any saucepans onboard. Where did you get it from?

Dozer (shrugging shoulders): Plot-hole.

(That night, Cypher is at the Matrix-screen desk, looking rather pissed off. Unbeknownst to him, Neo is quietly creeping up behind him.)

Neo: BOO!

Cypher: WOAH! Oh, Neo! You scared the little sissy pants offa me. What you doing down here, anyway?

Neo: Aimlessly wandering.

Cypher: Same here. Hey - want some drink?

Neo: No thanks, I'm not really thirsty -

(Cypher pours a whole jug of liquid down Neo's throat.)

Neo: URGH! It tastes disgusting! What is it?

Cypher: Let's just say I made it myself... (Smiles weirdly)

Neo: My God, you use your own urine to make drinks!?

Cypher: What the hell!? I'll have you know that that is my mother's traditional home-made brew - she slaves hours over the oven making it! You have insulted my family... (Sobs uncontrollably)

Neo: Umm... I'm really sorry...

(Cypher immediately stops crying and his facial expression returns to looking pissed-off.)

Cypher: Never mind. Hey, I guess right now you're thinking what I'm thinking.

Neo: Which is...?

Cypher: 'Why, oh why didn't I take the blue pill?'

Neo: Because Morpheus threw it out of the window.

Cypher: Yeah, I know.

Neo: Hey, do you just sit here and decode the Matrix on the screens?

Cypher: I'm not THAT sad, thank-you very much. No, there's too much information in the Matrix to decode. The image translators work for the blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda... but you get used to the code. I don't even see the code - (gestures to the screens) - all I see is a load of green shit scrolling down the screen.

Neo: I see that too!

Cypher: (Gasps) I don't believe it! You must have been born with a gift for breaking codes... did you ever work for the government?

Neo: Uh, no...

Cypher: Oh, never mind then.

Neo: Um, I'm just going to continue with my aimless wandering now. Bye.

Cypher: Bye. Oh, and be careful - Morpheus sleepwalks.

Neo: What's so bad about that?

Cypher: He does it NAKED.

(Neo shudders. Later in a posh restaurant in the Matrix, Cypher and Agent Smith are sitting at a table conversing.)

Agent Smith: Do we have a deal?

(Cypher stabs his fork into a piece of beef.)

Cypher: You know, I know that this steak doesn't exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Matrix is telling my brain that it is juicy and delicious. After nine years, do you know what I realize?

(He puts the beef in his mouth.)

Cypher: ... beef never tastes as good as it looks. Bleugh.

(He spits it out onto the floor. A harp sings in the background of the restaurant.)

Cypher: Tell someone to stop that fcking racket!

Agent Smith: Then we have a deal?

Cypher: I don't want to remember nothing - NOTHING! You understand? And I want to be rich. Someone important. Like an actress. You can do that, right?

Agent Smith: How about governor of California instead?

Cypher: Yeah, ok. Anyone can do that, right? Hehe...

Agent Smith: Whatever you want.

(Cypher takes a drink of wine. He spits it out onto his plate.)

Cypher: Urgh. All right - you get my body back in a power plant, reinsert me into the Matrix and I'll get you what you want.

Agent Smith: Access codes to the Zion mainframe.

Cypher: No, I told you I don't know them. But I can get you the man who does.

Agent Smith: Jesus.

Cypher: No, he's too hard to catch. I'll get you Morpheus instead.

(Mess hall of the Nibble-can-fezzer: Tank slides a bowl of white yoghurty stuff in front of Neo on the table.)

Tank: There you go. Breakfast of champions.

Neo: And idiots.

(Neo looks around at the other crew members sitting at the table. None of them seem to have taken offence at his insult.)

Mouse: If you close your eyes, it almost tastes like you're eating a bowl of runny eggs.

Apoc: Or a bowl of shit.

Mouse: But you know what it really reminds me of? Tastee wheat. Did you ever eat Tastee Wheat?

Switch: No, but technically neither did you.

Mouse: Exactly my point, because you have to wonder, how did the machines know what Tastee Wheat tasted like? Maybe they got it wrong, maybe what I think Tastee Wheat tasted like really tasted Tastee Wheet like tasted Wheet Tastee I think Tastee Wheet -

Switch: The same lecture every bloody morning...

Mouse: ... Take chicken for example. Maybe they couldn't figure out what to make chicken taste like which is why chicken tastes like everything. And maybe -

Apoc: Shut up, Mouse.

(Neo scoops up a spoonful of the runny stuff, a substance with around the same consistency as saliva mixed with newspaper.)

Tank: It's a single celled protein combined with synthetic aminos, vitamins, minerals and a little pinch of amphetamine. Everything the body needs.

Mouse: It doesn't have everything the body needs.

(He slides up to Neo. Neo looks uncomfortable.)

Mouse: So I understand you've run through the agent training program? You know, I wrote that program.

Switch: Here it comes...

Mouse: So, what did you think of her?

Neo: Of who?

Mouse: The woman in the red dress. I designed her. She doesn't talk much but if you'd like to meet her I can arrange a more personal meeting, know what I mean?

(He nudges Neo and winks.)

Neo: Um, yes...

(He nudges him again.)

Mouse: Huh? Huh?

(And again.)

Mouse: Know what I mean? Huh?

Neo: Okay, I get it!

Switch: The digital pimp hard at work.

Mouse: Pay no attention to these hypocrites, Neo. To deny our impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human. Huh? Huh? Know what I mean? Huh? Huh? Huh?

(He continues to wink at Neo and nudge him in the chest.)

Neo: Ow! Can you stop please?

(Morpheus beams in.)

Morpheus: Thanks, Scotty. I want everyone on twelve-hour standby. We're going in. I'm taking Neo to see her.

(With that he backs away slowly and melts through a wall.)

Neo: See who?

Tank: The oracle.

(In the main deck, everyone is strapped into their chairs. Tank is at the Matrix-screen desk.

Tank: All right, everyone please observe that the no smoking and fasten seat belt signs have been turned on. Sit back and enjoy your flight.

Trinity: Shut up, Tank.

(The Matrix: and old room in an old building. The team are standing looking cool by a telephone. Morpheus puts his brick phone to his ear.)

Morpheus: We're in. I am just SO smooth...

(The door of the building opens and they step out into the Matrix, Neo's first time since he was freed. The sun hurts his eyes, and he notices that everyone else is wearing sunglasses.)

Neo: Hey, how come I don't get sunglasses?

Apoc: Because you're not a fully-fledged traveller yet.

Neo: Oh come on, what's the REAL reason?

Switch: It's because you're a faggot.

Neo: Oh. Alright... (Wipes a tear from his eye)

(They get in an old black car. Before getting in, Cypher glances around suspiciously and drops a mobile phone into a nearby trash can.)

Morpheus: Go Batmobile!

(The car drives off. Neo is sitting beside Trinity in the backseats of the car, staring at the urban streets around him as the car passes through the crowded city.)

Morpheus: Unbelievable, isn't it?

(Neo nods.)

Morpheus: It's unbelievable that the crime rate in America has increased by over thirty-five percent in the last year. It's just incredible.

Trinity: Yeah, but not as much as in the Vatican City where it's risen by over eight million percent.

Morpheus: What, did someone steal a loaf of bread or something?

Neo: God...

Trinity: What?

Neo: I was talking to GOD, not you.

Trinity: Sorry.

Neo: I used to eat there. Really good noodles. No, I mean, REALLY really good noodles. They were SO good I just can't get over it. Oh my fcking GOD they were good. So good, so good, so good, so GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD.

(There is a ten-second pause in which Trinity gives Neo an expression that profoundly portrays utter contempt. She brings her left hand round and slaps him bang on the back of the head.)

Neo: I have these memories from my life... but none of them happened. What does that mean?

Trinity: That your life is meaningless and pointless.

Neo: Oh... (Sniffs)

Trinity: And that the Matrix cannot tell you who you are.

Neo: But an oracle can?

Trinity: That's different.

Neo: Did you go to her?

Trinity: Yes.

Neo: What did she say?

Trinity: That Morpheus would get haemorrhoids.

(Morpheus shifts uncomfortably in his seat.)

Morpheus: Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow...

(Neo and Morpheus enter a tower block of flats. Morpheus nods at an old man, who replies by sticking his middle finger up at him. An elevator opens - they get inside.)

Neo: So, is this the same oracle that made the prophecy?

Morpheus: Yes. She's very old. Lots of wrinkles. She's been with us since the beginning.

Neo: The beginning?

Morpheus: Of the resistance.

Neo: Against what?

(Morpheus stares at him with a frown.)

Morpheus: You never learn anything, do you?

Neo: Did you ever go and see the Oracle?

Morpheus: Yes.

Neo: What did she tell you?

Morpheus: That I would find an annoying little shit who never stops asking questions.

Neo: Did it come true?

(Morpheus slaps him round the back of the head. The elevator opens, and they step out. A door lies in front of them. They begin to make towards it.)

Morpheus: I can only show you the door, Neo. You have to walk through it.

Neo: Why?

Morpheus: Because I can't be bothered. Oh and by the way, do NOT stare at the enormously huge wrinkle on her right temple. She can get VERY touchy about it, and turn all voodoo on you.

Neo: How touchy?

Morpheus: Well, I had to say goodbye to Morpheus Junior.

Neo: Owch...

(Neo reaches for the door handle, but it turns without him touching it. A woman stands in the doorway.)

Woman: Ah, Neo! You're right in time. Come in.

(Morpheus and Neo walk into the apartment.)

Woman: Morpheus, make yourself at home. Neo, come with me.

(She leads Neo down the hall and into the lounge of the apartment.)

Neo (laughing): God almighty, what a shit-hole...

Woman: These are the other potentials. You can wait here.

(The woman leaves. There are several children around the room, performing impossible acts such as making blocks float in the air, changing channels on a television with the power of the mind, and doing homework. A little bald boy at Neo's feet is holding spoons in his hand and bending it with mental energy. Neo crouches down to him, picks up a spoon and examines it.)

Boy: Do not try to bend the spoon. That is impossible.

(Neo pushes the spoon between his hands and bends it.)

(The boy hands him another straight spoon.)

Boy: I meant WITHOUT using the body. Instead, only try to realize the truth.

Neo: What truth?

Boy: There is no spoon.

(Neo looks confused, staring at the object in his hand what he is used to calling a spoon, and used to believing is real.)

Neo: There is no spoon...

Boy: Then you will see that it is not the spoon that bends. It is only yourself.

(Neo's face drops. He looks up to the boy, looking very angry.)

Neo: Are you calling me gay?

Boy: What? No -

(Neo strangles the boy Homer Simpson style. An intercom hanging on the wall crackles with the woman's voice.)

Woman: (Ding) The oracle will see you now.

(Neo releases his grip on the boy's neck, and walks through a curtain of beads and into a kitchen. The woman exits, leaving Neo with a strange old woman standing over a cooker.)

Oracle: Be right with you.

Neo: You're the -

Oracle: Bingo. Not quite what you were expecting, right?

(The oracle removes a tray of cookies from the oven, puts them on a table and then loudly farts.)

Oracle: Smell good, don't they?

(Neo tries to hold his breath as he attempts to figure out whether it was the cookies or the fart that she was talking about.)

Oracle: I'd ask you to sit down, but I'm too much of an impolite bitch to do that. And don't worry about the vase.

Neo: What vase?

(Neo turns round to look around, and he accidentally knocks a vase off a table behind him. It falls to the floor and breaks into little pieces.)

Oracle: That vase, stupid.

Neo: I'm really -

Oracle: I said don't worry about it.

Neo: How did you know...?

Oracle: Magic. But what's really going to bake your noodle later on is how are you going to come up with the money to pay for it? It was an antique, you know. Hehe, easy money...

(Smiling, she lights a cigarette, puts it to her mouth and takes a massive puff. Neo notices the enormously huge wrinkle on her right temple, looking all brown and shrivelled.)

Oracle: You're cuter than I thought. I see why she likes you.

Neo: Who?

Oracle: Not too bright though.

(She winks at him.)

Oracle: You know why Morpheus brought you to see me? You think you're the One?

Neo: Honestly, I -

Oracle: Ah, a big-head I see. Arrogance gets you nowhere.

(She gestures to a wooden plaque above Neo's head.)

Oracle: You know what that means?

(Neo looks up at the plaque. The Oracle laughs.)

Oracle: Ha-ha! It's latin for 'if you read this you are stupid'. Ha-haaa!

Neo: That's rather immature.

Oracle: I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. Being the One is like being in love. No-one can tell you you're in love, you just know it. Through and through. Balls to bones. Bones to boxes. Boxes to boots. Boots to bats. Bats to - ah fck it, I can't remember the rest.

(She puts her cigarette down and walks over to Neo.)

Oracle: Well, I better have a look at you. Open your mouth, and say 'ahh'.

Neo: Ahh...

(She widens his eyes, checks his ears, and finally looks at his palms.)

Oracle: Ok, now I'm supposed to say 'Hmm, that's interesting but'... then you say -

Neo: But what?

Oracle: But you already know what I'm going to tell you.

Neo: I'm not the One?

Oracle: No - you have plaque building up on your molars, a mild form of cataracts, an un-healthy amount of ear wax and sweaty palms. Sorry kid - You got the gift but it looks like you're waiting for something.

Neo: Waiting for what?

Oracle: Your next life, maybe. Or perhaps just a little bit more care in your personal hygiene. Who knows?

(Neo giggles.)

Oracle: What's so funny?

Neo: It's -

Oracle: You're staring at my wrinkle, aren't you?

Neo: What? No, no -

Oracle: BOOM-SHADDA-SHADDA-SHADDA-BOOM-MAKKA-MAKKA-MAKKA

Neo: Oh no! Please, don't use Voodoo magic on me! PLEASE, I BEG YOU!

(The Oracle finishes her chanting in a black magic casting stance, then swings her leg up and hits Neo in the balls. He groans and crouches down.)

Oracle: Anyway, listen Neo; you are going to have to make a choice. In one hand, you will have Morpheus' life. In the other hand you will have your own. One of you is going to die. Which one, will be up to -

Neo: My life! My life!

Oracle: (Sigh) I'm sorry kid. I really am (not!) and I hate giving good people bad news. But don't worry, because as soon as you walk out that door you'll remember you don't believe in any of this fate crap; you're in control of your own life.

(She takes a cookie from the tray.)

Oracle: Here, take a cookie. I promise that by the time you're finished eating it you'll feel as right as rain.

Neo: How?

Oracle (in a booming voice): DO NOT QUESTION ORACLE'S COOKING. YOU WILL EAT IT AND FEEL AS RIGHT AS RAIN.

(Neo begins to cry. As he exits the kitchen, Morpheus immediately rises from a couch where he was playing on a Play station ((Tomb Raider with the nudity cheat turned on)) and goes with Neo into the hall where they are alone. Morpheus puts his hand on Neo's shoulder.)

Morpheus: You don't have to tell anyone what she told you. What she said was for you and you alone.

(There is a pause.)

Morpheus (grinning like a child): What'd she say? What'd she say?

Neo: I'm not telling you! Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-naaaaaaah!

Morpheus: Please! Oh come on

Neo: No

Morpheus: Come on

Neo: No

Morpheus: Oh come on

Neo: No

Morpheus: Come ON

Neo: No

(And so this conversation went on for 4 hours. Back at the old building, mouse is sitting in a chair looking up a saucy picture of the woman in the red dress. On it is written in lipstick 'stop calling me you pervert'. All of a sudden his mobile phone rings -)

Mouse: Welcome to the Mouse hotline! If you're a hot blonde, then please leave your phone number after the tone -

Tank: They're on their way, Mouse. And if I were you, I'd work on that chat-up line.

(At the bottom of the building Neo, Morpheus, Trinity, Cypher, Switch and Apoc make their way up a gigantic spiral staircase that winds around the walls. Neo notices a black cat on his left, shaking its fur. He looks again, and the cat does the exact same thing.)

Neo: Whoa - Déjà vu ...

(The others stop dead in their tracks. Trinity turns round to him.)

Trinity: Excuse me?

Neo: Nothing, I just had a little acid trip.

Trinity: What happened? What did you see? Who was involved? Where did the incident occur? Why? How?

Neo: ........................... A black cat went past us and then another one just like it.

Trinity: How much like it? Was it the same cat? Who what where when why -

Neo: Jesus, this is like the bloody Spanish Inquisition!

Trinity: Now you know how WE feel like.

(Silence.)

Neo: Can you please explain?

Trinity: Déjà vu is usually a glitch in the Matrix. It happens when they change something.

Neo: Like when Coke suddenly changed to New Coke?

Trinity: Yes.

Neo: Those BASTARDS!

Morpheus: Let's go.

(The others run up the stairs. Apoc gives Neo a gun. Neo just stares at it, looking somewhat confused.)

Apoc: It's a gun.

Neo: Ohh! Right, I get you.

(Upstairs, Mouse's mobile phone rings. He answers it.)

Mouse: Welcome to the Mouse Hotline! If you're a hot lady, please leave your phone number-

Tank: Mouse! It's a trap! Get outta there!

(Mouse pulls open a pair of curtains - there is a wall of bricks.)

Mouse: And how do you suggest I do that, Tank?

(Mouse frantically opens a big box of guns and takes out a couple of massive machine guns and fires them at the combat cops who have just entered the room. He is killed by their gunfire, and his body sails backwards.)

Tank: YES! WHOOOO! The little shit is dead!

(A few minutes later, the others enter the room to find Mouse's body and the wall of bricks.)

Cypher: That's what they changed. There's no way out!

Apoc: Thanks for stating the blatantly obvious, genius!

(Minutes later, Agent Smith and his platoon of cops are searching the building. One cop carefully creeps into a restroom. A huge hole where Neo and the others escaped down is gaping in the wall, appearing really obvious.)

Cop: Nothing in here.

(In the wall, Neo and the others are climbing down among a mass of pipes and plaster. Morpheus is whistling the tune to the 'Great Escape'.)

Trinity: That's not really helping, Morpheus.

Morpheus: Well, it's helping ME.

(A cop is pressing his ear to the wall.)

Cypher: (cough)we'reinthewalls(cough)

Cop: They're in the walls! Open fire!

(They climb even faster down as bullets surge past them. Neo tries to fire the gun, but he shoots it the wrong way and the bullet ends up in his leg.)

Neo: Shit!

Morpheus: KAMIKAZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

(Morpheus crashes through the wall, but instead of landing on Agent Smith he lands face on the floor.)

Morpheus: I meant to do that!

(Agent Smith and Morpheus have a geeky slap-fight. They exchange slaps before Morpheus gives up and falls limply to the floor.)

Agent Smith: The great Morpheus. We meet at last.

Morpheus: And you are?

Agent Smith: Smith. Agent Smith.

Morpheus: And where's 007? (Cracks into laughter)

Agent Smith: That's just not funny at all.

Morpheus: You're all the same to me.

(Cops rush to the scene.)

Agent Smith: Take him.

Cop leader: Where, sir?

Agent Smith: OUT.

(The cops and Morpheus go to a local coffee shop and have a nice drink. They chat about babies and other stuff, before leaving and asking each other 'yours or mine?'. At that point they realize they had crossed the line, and end up taking Morpheus to a military controlled building.)

Morpheus: Talk about a one-night stand. Hmph.

(Back in the real world, Tank gets an incoming phonecall.)

Tank: Operator?

Cypher: Hey Tank, you big sack of crap! I need an exit! Fast! Step on it, you fat crap-face.

(Tank taps at the keyboard.)

Tank: Nearest exit is an old T.V. repair shop, Cypher. Through the street on your right and keep on going forward.

Cypher: About time, dick-head!

Tank: Oh ok, good to know that someone appreciates my work.

(Cypher hangs up. Tank gets another phone call.)

Tank: Operator?

Trinity: It's Trinity.

Tank: Trinity? What do you want, you bitch?

Trinity: We need an exit from the Matrix, Tank.

Tank: So, you think I should give you an exit from the Matrix? Give me one good reason why I should. And tell Apoc that he's a fcking tosser!

(Trinity turns to Apoc.)

Trinity: You're a fcking tosser, Apoc.

(Apoc looks very upset.)

Trinity: Well, Tank, we're your friends and you wouldn't leave us in here. Come on, if you do I'll buy you a drink.

Tank: Ok, but I still think you're all a bunch of stupid fat bastards and I deeply hate every single one of you. The nearest exit is an old T.V. repair shop just to your left, you dirty lumps of retarded elephant turd.

Trinity: Thanks, Tank.

(Cypher reaches the phone in the repair shop and is released from the Matrix. He gets out of his chair and goes over to Tank.)

Cypher: I'm going to kill you, Tank.

Tank: Ok, Cypher. (Continues tapping away at keyboard)

(Cypher lifts off a blanket at the side of the main deck, revealing an enormous rich man's glove. He picks it up, and slowly comes up behind Tank. In the real world, the others enter the repair shop and reach the phone. It is ringing.)

Switch: God, I love that sound.

Neo: You know what sound I love? Crickets. I don't know why, but MAN I just love that noise -

Trinity: Shut up, bitch.

(Cypher raises the immense glove behind his back. He draws back the shower curtain ((where did that come from!?)) and breathes in.)

Cypher: Turn round, Tank. I've got a surprise for you.

(Tank turns round to him, and his face alights with horror as the massive shadow of the glove covers him. His body flies into the air and lands 10 feet away on the metal floor of the main deck.)

Cypher: Shit, I didn't get enough power in that slap!

(Tank gets up and charges for Cypher, but a second mega-slap knocks him to the floor again. Dozer sees this.)

Dozer (in a stupid husky dog voice): NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!

(Cypher swings the glove at him. His dead body lies on the floor still, a large handprint embedded in his chest. Trinity picks up the telephone, but the line goes dead. She takes out her mobile phone and phones the operator. Cypher puts on Tank's headgear and answers.)

Cypher: Hello, Trinity.

Trinity: Cypher? Where's Tank?

Cypher: He had an accident... with an over-sized glove. Mwah-ha-ha-haaaaaaaaaaa....

(Cypher lowers his face over Trinity's body hanging in its coma-like stillness.)

Cypher: You know, for a long time I thought I was in love with you, Trinity. I used to dream about you... that's right, THOSE kind of dreams.

(Trinity gags as her lunch rises up and sinks down her throat.)

Cypher: I'm tired of being in the same ship everyday, being cold and eating the same crap. But most of all, I'm tired of this dip-shit.

(He skips over to Morpheus' body and jumps on him.)

Cypher: Surprise, ass-hole. Bet you never saw this coming, did ya?

(He starts to mildy slap Morpheus's cheeks.)

Cypher: God, I wish I could be there when they break you. I wish I could walk in just as it happens, so that right then, you'd know it was me.

(He grabs Morpheus' cheeks and pulls them about.)

Cypher: Coochy-coochy-coo!

Trinity: You gave them Morpheus?

Cypher: He lied to us, Trinity! If he'd told us the truth, we would have told him to shove that red pill right up his ass!

(Switch overhears this.)

Switch: Heh, actually, that's exactly what I did...

Trinity: That's not true, Cypher. He set us free.

Cypher: You call this free? I choose the Matrix.

Trinity: But the Matrix isn't real!

Cypher: Oh no, Trinity. I think that the Matrix can be more real than this world.

(The others ponder over this for a little while, and agree. But the script doesn't allow them to, so on we go.)

Trinity: You're a faggot, Cypher. A blasted faggot!

(Cypher pulls out Apoc's and Switch's plugs. They fall to the ground and die.)

Trinity: Damn you, Cypher!

Cypher: Don't hate me, Trinity. Hate my faggotness.

(Cypher takes a-hold of Neo's plug.)

Cypher: Now, if Morpheus was right, then there's no way I can pull this plug, is there? I mean, how can he be the One if he's dead? Now, look into Neo's big pretty eyes for some obscure reason and say 'yes'.

Trinity: Yes.

Cypher: No!

(Tank, charred and bloody like a piece of toast with jam spread over it, rises from the floor gripping the huge glove.)

Cypher: I don't believe it!

Tank: Believe it or not you piece of shit, you're still gonna burn!

Cypher: How does a glove make you burn?

Tank: Who cares?

(Tank slams the glove right around Cypher's face, propelling him into the air and hitting the wall. His dead body slides limply to the floor.)

Tank: Booya!

(The phone in the repair shop rings and Neo and Trinity are released from the Matrix. As Tank unplugs Trinity, she notices the bloody wound on his stomach.)

Trinity: You're hurt.

Tank (highly sarcastic): No, you don't say!

Trinity: Dozer?

Tank: Dead.

Trinity: Ok.

Tank: Morpheus - the stupid dick - got himself captured.

(Pause: they exchange glances.)

Tank: I'm bored. I'm going to pull his plug for something to do.

Neo: Wait! We can save him!

Tank: And what am I going to do to amuse myself in the meantime?

(Trinity reaches into her pocket and pulls out a medium-sized ball. She tosses it over to Tank.)

Trinity: Here you go.

Tank: (Gasps) A ball! Oooh! Aaah! So shiny...

(Neo starts to get ready to enter the Matrix. Trinity does the same.)

Neo: YOU'RE not coming.

Trinity: Too bad, bitch.

Neo: Women are bad luck.

Trinity: I'm not a woman, bitch.

(Neo stares at her with his mouth hanging open.)

Trinity: I mean, I AM, I was just -

(Neo continues staring.)

Trinity: Oh fck it, let's just go.

Tank: The ball's lost its appeal now.

(Trinity sighs. She strains to think of something, and an idea comes to mind.)

Trinity: Right - try saying 'red lorry, yellow lorry' as fast as you can.

Tank: Red lorry, yerow rorry. Wait, no - red lorry, lellow lorry. Damn! Red lorry...

Trinity: That should keep him happy for a while.

(Neo and Trinity strap into their seats, ready to enter the construct.)

Trinity: Right now Tank, hit 'enter' and get us in.

(Tank is too busy with the tongue-twister to notice her.)

Trinity: We need someone to hit enter... hmm...

Neo: What about Harvey?

Trinity: Don't be stupid Neo, Harvey doesn't exist -

Harvey: Doesn't exist!? Hah...

(Trinity and Neo stare in disbelief at the giant pink rabbit standing over by the wall.)

Harvey: I WOULD aid you, but your rudeness has completely eradicated any trust I once held in the human race. If I shall help, you will admit your mistake and apologise immediately.

(Neo and Trinity look exhaustedly at each other.)

Neo / Trinity: Sorry, Harvey.

Harvey: Very good. Doesn't it feel better when we all get along?

(Harvey jumps up to the desk and presses the 'enter' key. Neo and Trinity enter the construct.)

Neo: Jesus, who thought you'd have to apologise to a bunny rabbit...

Trinity: Neo, no-one's ever done anything like this before.

Neo: That's why it's going to work.

Trinity: That doesn't make sense, Neo.

Neo: Then tough shit.

(They stand there in the endless white void for a few awkward minutes.)

Neo: We need guns. Lots of guns.

Trinity: And hair spray!

(Countless racks of guns zoom in from the endless distance of the whiteness. Trinity safely stands there as the racks fly by her on each side, whereas the racks slam into Neo and carry him far off into infinity.)

Neo: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIT...

(The Matrix: Inside the military controlled sky-scraper, Agent Smith is standing at a window, while Morpheus looks rather constipated sitting on a chair at the rear end of the room.)

Agent Smith: Have you ever sat and stared at it, Morpheus? Its beauty, its structure...

(Agent Smith turns round, clutching a bottle of coca-cola.)

Agent Smith: It's irresistibly refreshing taste?

(He takes a swig from the bottle.)

Agent Smith: Mmm... mmm... MMMMMM God, that's good.

(Agent Smith looks at Morpheus. He looks ready to be sick.)

Agent Smith: What's the matter with you?

Morpheus: Uuuuhhhhhhh...

Agent Smith: Now, I was supposed to do something... Oh yeah - interrogate you, break into your mind and get the access codes to Zion's mainframe... I think...

(He picks up a syringe from a table next to Morpheus' chair.)

Agent Smith: Ve have vays of making voo talk...

(He discards the syringe and tips the bottle of coke over Morpheus' mouth. The liquid washes down his throat and into his stomach.)

Morpheus: Ohhhhhhhhh...

Agent Smith: Tastes good, doesn't it?

Morpheus: Yeaaahhhh...

Agent Smith: You can have some more if you tell me the access codes...

Morpheus: NEVER!

Agent Smith: Looks like I'll have to bribe you some more...

(He forces some more coca-cola down Morpheus' gullet.)

Agent Smith: TELL ME!

Morpheus: Oh, alri - NEVER!

(Neo and Trinity step into the building. They walk through metal detectors - the alarm goes off. A police officer goes up to Neo.)

Police Officer: Please remove any metallic objects you're carrying, such as keys, key rings, lighters, guns...

(Neo opens his long trench coat, revealing dozens of watches all pinned to his shirt and the inside of the coat. The police officer is taken back in surprise.)

Neo: Wanna buy one?

Police Officer: .................... How much?

Neo: The fake gold ones are 10 bucks, the silver-plated ones are-

Trinity: (Sigh), Looks like we're going to have to do this scene again. And this time, do it RIGHT Neo!

(Re-wind: Neo and Trinity step into the building. They walk through metal detectors - the alarm goes off. A police officer goes up to Neo.)

Police Officer: Please remove any metallic objects you're carrying, such as keys, key rings, lighters, guns...

(Neo opens his long trench coat. The police officer is taken back in disgust.)

Neo: What? What is it?

Trinity: For God's sake Neo, put some clothes on!

Neo: Whoops!

Trinity: (Sigh) We're going to have to do this scene AGAIN...

(Re-wind: Neo and Trinity step into blah blah blah and a police officer goes up to Neo.)

Police officer: Please remove any metallic objects you're carrying, such as keys, key rings, lighters, guns...

Neo: Guns! THAT'S the one!

(Neo opens his long trench coat, revealing racks of guns lining Neo's shirt and inside of the coat. The police officer is taken back in surprise.)

Police Officer: Holy shit!

(Neo jabs him in the chest, propelling him into the air. Neo whips out some guns and shoots the hell out of police officers lining the walls. Trinity does the same.)

(They stand in the centre of a large marble surface lobby with columns on either side. A whole batallion of cops with guns rush to the scene, guns ablaze at the pair. They drop the bag they are carrying and separate, gunning down as many cops as they can see. Trinity weaves in and out of the pillars, her guns firing non-stop and her body moving like a sword-edged butterfly. In opposing fashion Neo stands in one place looking like an absolute prick while the cops fire at him.)

Neo: Ow! Ow! Ow!

(Neo sees Trinity performing all these tricks, and gets an idea himself. He runs towards a wall, braces himself, and attempts to run up it. But his feet slip and he falls, breaking his neck. He gets up, his head bent to one side, trying to fire his guns as accurately as possible. Flying pieces of marble explode like miniature fireworks everywhere, and some goes in Neo's eye.)

Neo: Ouch! For fck's sake!

(After a little while, the whole platoon is dead. Neo and Trinity reunite, drop their empty weapons and pick up their bag.)

Neo: How many did you kill?

Trinity: Thirty-seven. What about you?

Neo: Zero.

Trinity: You suck.

(Sigh-filled pause.)

Neo: Um, do you mind...?

Trinity: Oh, ok...

(Trinity snaps Neo's head back into its proper place with a grisly spinal click. They stride over to the other end of the lobby where an elevator is situated. Neo and Trinity get in the elevator when it arrives. While it is going up, Trinity opens the bag to reveal a bomb. She arms it, before they both pry open the elevator's ceiling and crawl out onto its roof. They grip the lift cable, and Neo points a hand gun at its fixing joints.)

Neo: There is no spoon...

Trinity: What?

Neo: Shut up, bitch!

Trinity: That's my line, bitch!

(Neo pulls the trigger. Only now does he realize that he had been holding the gun the wrong way round.)

Neo: That's gonna hurt in the morning...

(He flips the gun around and shoots it at the fixing joints. The elvator falls at a high speed, leaving Neo and Trinity hanging there. The lift crashes on the ground floor and the bomb blows up, sending a massively cool fiery explosion throughout the lobby in slow-motion. Sweeeeeeeet. Back in the interrogation room, Agent Smith is leaning down to Morpheus, gripping his face and bringing his own face right up close.)

Agent Smith: I HATE this place, Morpheus. I can't stay here any longer. It's the smell.

(Morpheus farts.)

Agent Smith: I hate you humans, and I feel like I have been diseased by you. I have to get out. When I gather the Zion access codes there will be no reason for me to be here. So tell me!

Morpheus: No.

Agent Smith: Come on

Morpheus: No

Agent Smith: Oh come on

Morpheus: No

Agent Smith: Come ON

Morpheus: No

(Agents 1 and 2 enter the room. They are called '1 and 2' because a certain author cannot remember their real names.)

Agent 1: What were you doing?

Agent Smith: Uh, nothing -

(Agents 1 and 2 exchange suspicious glances.)

Agent Smith: You two have sick minds.

Agent 2: He doesn't know.

Agent Smith: Know what?

Agent 1: The Lakers just lost the game.

Agent Smith (falling to his knees): NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

(High up on the roof of the sky scraper, Neo and Trinity are battling another horde of cops.)

Neo: Where do all these keep coming from?

(A cop in a landed helicopter is talking down a comlink.)

Cop: We have an emergency situation! I repeat, an emergency sit- MBLAAARRRRGH I am an agent. Destroy!

(The agent gets out of the helicopter and goes over to Neo and Trinity. They have just finished their work - the last cop falls back-first with a knife in his head.)

Trinity: Oh no. An agent. We could be killed, Neo. Oh no. What shall we do.

Neo: Hey, Agent! Ever had hot, tasty lead for breakfast?

(Neo fires a slurry of shots at the Agent, but none hit him.)

Trinity: Jesus, he dodged them all!

Neo: Actually, I missed.

Trinity: Oh.

(The Agent raises a hand holding a gun at Neo.)

Neo: Trinity!

Trinity (looking up from a game-boy): What?

(Neo performs a strange dance in bullet-time, bending back low down and slowly waving his arms around. At this point the cameraman is running around Neo in a circle.)

Cameraman: I better get paid extra for this...

(Neo falls down to the ground on his back. The Agent looms over him, and points a gun at near point-blanc range to his head.)

Agent: I didn't even fire any bullets, you dim-witted ass-hole.

Neo: Oh... (Smiles weakly)... I must have looked pretty stupid, eh?

Agent: You did.

(The Agent clicks his gun.)

Agent: Only an idiot.

Trinity: Dodge this.

(Trinity hits the back of the Agent's head with her game-boy, killing him and breaking the hand-held console into pieces. Trinity helps Neo up.)

Trinity: You looked really stupid doing that dance.

Neo: I'm sorry. I saw it on Soul Train one night.

Trinity: And you'll be paying me $60 for my game-boy.

(The pair look to the helicopter.)

Neo: Can you fly it?

Trinity: Do I look like a helicopter pilot?

(Trinity gets out her mobile phone and calls the operator.)

Trinity: Harvey, I need to learn how to fly a helicopter.

Harvey (on the other end of the line): Yes, I should be able to fulfil that request...

(Trinity closes her eyes, ready to have her brain infused with the knowledge to fly a helicopter. Nothing happens, but a book materialises in her hands. She reads the front cover.)

Trinity: 'How to fly a helicopter'. I'm going to kill that bunny...

(Trinity drops the book and she and Neo get inside the helicopter. Back inside, Agent Smith is still trying to break into Morpheus' mind.)

Agent Smith: Tell me

Morpheus: No

Agent Smith: Oh come on

Morpheus: No

Agent Smith: Come ON

Morpheus: NO

(To Agent Smith's horror, a helicopter has appeared outside the room's large windows and is hovering there with a huge gattling-gun pointing inside. Neo, who is at the gun, smiles and waves to Agent Smith.)

Neo: Hi, honey! I'm home!

Trinity: That sounded pretty gay, Neo.

Neo: Sorry, but it was the best entrance line I could think of.

(Neo opens fire. Bullets fly everywhere, completely devastating the room and destroying the window. Agent Smith just stands there, thinking hard about something.)

Agent Smith: Hang on; the fire sprinklers are supposed to be turned on! Effects team, you missed another cue!

(Blushing with embarrassment, the effects team switch on the sprinklers. A little waterfall is created down the side of the building as water gushes out.)

Agent Smith: That's better!

(Agent Smith and the other Agents get out their own guns and run around, trying to hit Neo. Neo continues firing; into the walls, into the furniture and sometimes into Morpheus. When all the agents have been killed, Neo stops firing, leaving Morpheus sitting alone in a pool of water and a blur of artificial rain.)

Neo: Get up, Morpheus, get up...

Trinity: That's not the way to do it. It's HEY MORPHEUS GET UP YOU FAT BITCH!

(Morpheus screams, breaking his handcuffs and standing up.)

Morpheus: I'm free! Free as a bird!

(Morpheus begins to run towards the helicopter. He sees Agent Smith's bottle of coke on a table.)

Morpheus: Oooooh...

(He swipes the bottle as he runs past. He is almost to the window ledge when Agents enter the room bearing guns.)

Agent Smith: Stop him! He's stealing the coke!

(The Agents fire frantically at Morpheus. A bullet rips through his leg, and he trips up and leaps awkwardly from the window ledge and hopelessly reaches for the helicopter.)

Neo: He's not going to make it!

(Pause. Neo just sits there doing nothing.)

Trinity: Aren't you going to save him then?

Neo: Oh, yeah!

(Neo leaps out of the helicopter wearing his harness and bangs heads with Morpheus'.)

Neo / Morpheus: Ow!

(Neo holds onto Morpheus, and the helicopter starts to make its way from the building. An agent gets to the window ledge, points up, and shoots. His bullet hits the helicopter's fuel tank, making it start to fail in its gained altitude rapidly.)

Trinity: SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT

(Trinity tries desperately to steer the helicopter, but it enters a downward spiral. Neo and Morpheus are hanging on the rope connected to the copter for dear life.)

Neo: Hang on for dear life!

Morpheus: The thought DID occur to me.

(Neo lets go of Morpheus, letting him land rather safely on the top of a semi-skyscraper. As the helicopter comes down, Neo lands on it as well while the copter and Trinity fall out of sight down the side. It is about to collide with a shiny glass sky-scraper. Neo grabs onto the rope and is dragged all the way to the side of the building where he locks his feet against the small ledge.)

Neo: Rope burn! Ow!

Harvey (watching the Matrix screen): I knew it! He IS an idiot!

(Trinity severs the rope from the helicopter with a single shot from her gun, and grabs onto it. She swings out, just as the helicopter crashes into the glass building.)

Neo: ...................

(Nothing else happens. Neo stands there for minute with a frown on his face.)

Neo: Something's not right...

Trinity (calling from below): EFFECTS TEAM, YOU FAGGOTS! YOU MISSED YOUR CUE!

(Effects team realize this and quickly turn on the CGI and pyrotechnics. The surface of the building ripples outwards in an expanding wave of bulging glass, before shattering and blowing up with the most satisfying explosion ever seen.)

Neo: God, that is so COOL! I'm going to sleep tonight.

(Neo pulls Trinity up, and Morpheus comes over wearing an extremely smug smile and swigging coke.)

Morpheus: Do you believe it now, Neo?

Neo: Believe what?

Morpheus: That glass buildings DO ripple. You owe me 20 bucks for our little scientific wager.

Neo: Oh, crap.

Trinity: You're such a moron, Neo.

(Harvey calls Morpheus' brick of a mobile phone. He puts it to his ear, still thinking that it makes him look cool.)

Morpheus: Jesus, I am slick... Hello?

Harvey: I have attained you an exit from the Matrix. Go to the subway station.

Morpheus: Which one?

Harvey: Who cares?

(Harvey hangs up. Neo, Trinity and Morpheus make in the next scene walk down into a random deserted subway station.)

Morpheus: I suppose this one will do.

(There is a phone box just in front of them against the wall. A hobo is lying in the corner.)

Trinity: That hobo's watching us.

Morpheus: You're just being paranoid. Now come on, we need to get out of the Matrix.

(They walk to the phone box. Morpheus enters it first. The phone rings, and Morpheus picks it and puts it to his ear. Tank is on the other end of the line.)

Tank: WWAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUP

Morpheus: WWAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUP

(Morpheus' body disappears as he is taken out of the Matrix. Trinity picks up the phone and puts it back on the receiver.)

Trinity: Neo, everything the Oracle said to me has come true. Everything except this -

(A train passes.)

Trinity: Bloody inconveniently-timed train... anyway, I -

(The phone rings. She answers it.)

Tank: WWAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUP

Trinity: What's up.

(The hobo changes into Agent Smith. He gets up and fires a gun at the phone box. The bullet rips through the phone instead, as Trinity is exited from the Matrix just in time.)

Trinity: I have to go back!

Tank: Nah, Neo can stand up for himself.

(They watch the screens. Neo is being pummelled by Agent Smith in the subway station.)

Tank: See, he's just fine!

(Agent Smith swipes at Neo, but he dodges it and slams Agent Smith into a wall. They fight some more, before ending up facing each other at either end of the station. They stand determinedly, staring over into each others eyes and waggling their hands over their gun straps. A ball of tumbleweed passes between them.)

Agent Smith: Tell me, do you fell lucky, punk?

Neo: Yes.

Agent Smith: ... Shit.

(They draw their guns and leap into the air at each other, grabbing each other's shoulders and firing their guns everywhere. The cameraman runs around them in a circle, creating a cool bullet-time effect. After a second-long eternity suspended in mid-air, they both fall to the ground, lying there clutching each other's shoulders and pressing their guns to each other's heads. Neo's gun makes an empty clicking noise as he pulls the trigger.)

Agent Smith: You're out.

Neo: So are you.

Agent Smith: No I'm not.

Neo: Crap.

(Agent Smith fires a bullet straight through Neo's head.)

Tank: NOOOOOOOO! NEO! WHY DID HE HAVE TO DIE? WHY!? WHHHYYYYYYYYYYYY!?

Trinity: Oh shut up, Tank. We can always re-wind, you know.

(Trinity wiggles her nose and time reverses itself. We see the smoking hole in Neo's head disappear and end up with them locked with each other again.)

Agent Smith: You're out.

Neo: And you're not.

Agent Smith: Good observation, Mr. Anderson. I'm glad that -

(Neo executes a swift break-dance kick and knocks Agent Smith into a pillar.)

Agent Smith: That wasn't very nice, Mr. Anderson. Not very nice at all. These sunglasses were $150!

(Agent Smith lunges at Neo. After a brief struggle, Agent Smith tosses him down onto the rail tracks. He jumps down after him, and gets him into a headlock so they both face the tunnel in front. A train is fast approaching.)

Agent Smith: You hear that, Mr. Anderson? That is the sound of inevitability, of your DEATH.

Neo: If you ask me, all I hear is a train. (Smirks arrogantly)

(Agent Smith tightens the headlock.)

Neo: Urgch!

Agent Smith: Any last words, Mr. Anderson?

Neo: My... name.... is MR. ANDERSON I MEAN NEO!

(Neo jumps up and crashes Agent Smith into the ceiling. They fall down again. The train is 2 seconds away from impact.)

Neo: Time to fly.

(Neo performs a somersaulting back-flip to get onto the train platform, but instead slams into the side of the platform and slides back down.)

Neo: Neurgh...

(The train hits both of them.)

Trinity: Stupid dick.

(The train stops at the platform, and another Agent Smith steps out. He looks around.)

Agent Smith: Where is he...?

(Neo climbs up onto the platform from under the train, clothes ripped, skin bruised and face pissed off.)

Neo: I'm here.

Agent Smith: Ah, good.

Neo: Mind if I have a little head start?

Agent Smith: I suppose the chase would be fun. (Closes eyes) One, two, three, four, five...

(Neo runs the hell out of the station. He enters a network of busy roads and streets littered with market stalls.)

Agent Smith: Ninety-eight, ninety-nine, one-hundred. Ready or not, here I come!

(Agent Smith loads his gun and follows him. Meanwhile, back in the real world, Morpheus and Tank are placing a bet.)

Morpheus: I bet 50 bucks that Neo dies.

Trinity: Waitabloodyminute, YOU'RE the foremost person who believes in the Prophecy, if I remember correctly.

Morpheus: And if I remember correctly, the Prophecy is a load of bollocks! So, do we have a deal?

Tank: You're on!

(Neo sprints as fast as he can, knocking into countless market-goers. Agents chase him, guns flashing as bullets zip over his head. A mother who is holding her daughter's hand turns into Agent Smith - he raises his pistol and fires, just missing Neo's passing head and blowing up a melon on a stand.)

Agent Smith: Got him! Wait, it was a melon...

Girl: Mommy?

Agent Smith: What do you want?

Girl: Where's my mommy?

Agent Smith: Well, I'M your mommy technically...

Girl: Can you take me to the park?

Agent Smith: ............ Maybe later.

(Neo enters an alleyway, only to be sectioned off by a dead end. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a mobile phone, and calls the operator.)

Tank: WWAAAAAASSSSSSUUUUUUP?

Neo: Shut up! I need you to give me an exit!

Tank: Oh, you're in high spirits today. When do you want an exit?

Neo: Oh, next week maybe, but preferably NOW.

Tank: Okay... right, go through the door on your left and I'm sure you'll find a way.

Neo: Thanks a lot. That REALY helped me!

Tank: No it didn't.

Neo: I know. I was being sarcastic.

(Neo bursts through the door, entering a building. He runs up flights of stairs, and enters a random apartment with elderly women living in it. As he rushes into the kitchen, he sees one old woman standing there wearing a pair of sunglasses - for her cataracts - and brandishing a big knife.)

Neo: Aagh! An agent!

(Neo pulls on her collar and slams her onto the worktop.)

Neo: Drop the knife, Smith! DROP THE KNIFE!

Old woman: But I was just making beef sandwiches!

Neo: Hah - likely excuse! NOW DROP IIIIIIIT!

(At that instant an Agent enters the kitchen, waving a gun in his direction.)

Neo: Oh - sorry, ma'am. My mistake!

(Neo jumps over and runs out the door. He realizes there is nothing but thin air behind the door, and falls 2 storeys into a pile of garbage in another alley-way. While lying there, a hobo pops his head up from the mass of slimy rubbish.)

Hobo: Found any good pizza boxes?

Neo: Sorry, I'm not a hobo.

Hobo: Fcking snob...

(Neo gets up and sprints down another side passage, with an Agent hot on his trail. He climbs up a fire-escape, all the while bullets richoeting in and out of the metal framework surrounding him.)

Neo: Jesus, just leave me alone for once!

(Neo opens a door into another building, and pumps his legs like hell down a familiar corridor. He puts the mobile phone to his ear again.)

Neo: Tank, for the love of God, PLEASE give me an exit!

Tank: Okay, I'm ringing a phone in room 303.

Neo: Thanks -

Tank: Or was it 033? Or 330? Or even 030? ......

(He dumps the mobile, runs around the building a bit, and suddenly hears a phone ringing. He frantically searches for room 303, and finds its door in the middle of another corridor. He opens it, only to have Agent Smith standing inside and aiming a hand gun to his chest.)

Agent Smith: Hasta La Vista, Baby.

Neo: I'll be back.

(Agent Smith fires. Neo staggers back, but remains standing.)

Neo: One shot? Is that all you can muster?

(Agent Smith fires a second time. Neo remains on his legs.)

Neo: Ha-ha! You suck and I don't, nah-nah-nah -

(Agent Smith fires another 65 times, throwing Neo backwards, hitting a wall, and sliding down it leaving a big smudge of blood before limply lying on the floor.)

Agent Smith: Not so cocky now, are we?

Neo: 67 bullets? Coming from an _Agent_? What's the world coming to!?

(Agent Smith shoots him again. Him and Agents 1 and 2 gather round Neo's body. Agent 2 crouches down and feels his pulse.)

Agent 2: He's gone.

Agent Smith: I just shot him a total of 67 times. Of COURSE he's going to be dead, you faggoty whelp.

(In the real world, Morpheus and the others crowd round the Matrix screen, reading the green shit scrolling down. Tank begins to cry.)

Tank: No! It can't be! Nooo... (Sobs)

Morpheus: Take it like a man, Tank! You owe me 50 bucks and you're not getting out of it!

(Trinity goes over to Neo's body, lying cold in its chair. She lowers her face over his.)

Trinity: The Oracle, Neo...

Tank: I don't think he can hear you, Trinity.

Trinity: Shut up, bitch. Anyway, everything the Oracle told me has come true now, Neo. She told me I would fall in love with an idiot. So see? You can't be an idiot, because I love you... I hate you really, but the script says I love you...

(Trinity discreetly inserts a retainer into her mouth before kissing Neo's lips. Back in the Matrix, just as the Agents are walking away from the scene, Neo's eyes open. He slowly gets up.)

Neo: Hey, jerks!

(The Agents turn round.)

Agent Smith: What'd you call me?

Neo: That's right, you're a JERK.

Agent Smith: Ooh, I'm gonna make you pay...

(The Agents fire all their guns at Neo. Neo raises his left hand in a 'stop' fashion, and the bullets blast right through him.)

Neo: Owww...

(Agent Smith charges at Neo and begins a super-fast succession of punches and jabs at him, but Neo deflects his onslaught with one hand behind his back. The battle swiftly changes into a slap fight. Neo grabs Agent Smith's arm, and tickles his armpit.)

Neo: Tell me, are you ticklish?

Agent Smith (through screams of painful laughter): Oh God, please stop! I can't take anymore!

(Neo kicks Agent Smith a distance of 10 feet down the corridor. He gets up, looking very angry.)

Agent Smith: You wanna piece of me?

Neo: Don't mind if I do!

Agent Smith: ?

Neo: THE POWER OF THE BOWEL!

(Before Agent Smith can add anything else to his sentence other than '?', Neo runs, farts and jumps straight into his chest. His skin begins to bulge, and his head slowly expands.)

Agent Smith: Ohh, I need some aspirin...

(Agent Smith blows up in an explosion of green shit. Shards of him fly everywhere, leaving Neo standing in his place. Neo breathes in, inversing the walls of the corridor as he does. He exhales, and the walls wobble back to normal. He opens his eyes like steel shutters. He looks to his hand which is holding something brown and slimy.)

Neo: Hey, I got his liver!

(Agents 1 and 2 exchange glances. They run away.)

Agents 1 and 2: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

(The Real World: Tank, Trinity and Morpheus have just watched these occurrences.)

Tank: Looks like you owe me 50 bucks, Morpheus old pal.

Trinity: Hey, wasn't something of supposed to happen right now?

Morpheus: Yes, effects team forgot another cue again. Those faggots.

(Effects Team quickly right the situation; all of a sudden robot sentinels are clawing into the main deck, firing laser beams all over the place and in general destroying the ship.)

Morpheus: THAT'S better! Tank, charge the EMP.

Trinity: But we can't use that until Neo gets out!

Morpheus: Yes we can. It's so simple - you just hold the EMP switch, and turn -

(The Matrix: Neo patiently waits standing by the ringing phone in room 303. He is doing this to add a bit of tension to the now pretty-much disjointed and now pretty much pointless film. Just as the Sentinels breach the main deck, Neo picks up the phone and exits the Matrix.)

Morpheus: Now, Tank!

(Tank turns the EMP switch. A massive wave of blue energy blasts forth from the ship, frying the Sentinels' inner circuits but, unfortunately, also the ship's. The ship crashes down to the floor of the gigantic sewers. Inside, among the dark and must, Trinity and Neo look into each others eyes.)

Neo: Can I have some candy now?

Trinity: My GOD, I hate you so much.

Neo: The feeling's mutual.

(Morpheus and Tank emerge from the rubble. Morpheus looks around, an expression of horror on his face.)

Morpheus: Where's Harvey? HARVEEEEEEEY!

(Morpheus searches through the debris, desperately searching for his giant pink bunny rabbit friend. He finds him, his back lying against the wall, blood everywhere, with a kitchen knife sticking out of his furry pink chest.)

Morpheus: NOOOO! Oh my god! This kitchen knife must of flew around and hit him during the crash!

Tank: Uuh, yeah... crash....

Neo: I feel really bad... hey, what's this?

(Neo reaches into his pocket, and extracts the cookie the Oracle gave him. He inspects it, and then bites into it.)

Neo: Hey, she WAS right! I DO feel as right as rain!

Trinity: How did that cookie come out of the Matrix?

(The Oracle's disembodied voice is heard echoing through the ship.)

Oracle: DO NOT QUESTION ORACLE'S COOKING. YOU WILL BE QUIET OR I WILL STRIKE YOU DOWN WHERE YOU STAND.

Trinity: Yes ma'am!

(A black computer screen fills the camera. Green letters appear, and flash across the blackness. Neo's voice is heard over the silence.)

Neo: Hello? Anyone here? I just want to say I really enjoyed the film, even if it was extremely fcked up by a certain author. I know you know that I know, and I know that I know that you know that I know. I don't know what I know, and I don't know what you know either, but what I DO know is that... uhh... something or other. I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see; a world without borders, boundaries or rules... a world without YOU.

Richard Branson: NOOO!

Neo: Shut up when I'm talking to you, you smelly ginger bastard. Anyway, too bad.

(The camera flies through the screen, and out of a phone handset, hitting Neo square on the chin.)

Neo: Ow!

Cameraman: Sorry!

Neo: I'm going to hang up this phone, and you can do whatever you like but you won't stop me. You can even try to land your big fat hot-air balloon on me but I won't stop. MWAHAHAHA!

Richard Branson: You're not very nice.

Neo: You're not very nice either! I mean, who the hell calls their company 'Virgin'!?

(Neo steps out of a phone box in the middle of a crowded city street, and cue some really cool music. He looks around, and puts on a pair of sunglasses.)

Passer-by: Hey, nice sunglasses chicken man!

(Neo smiles at him before holding up two fingers. He turns around, and looks up to the sky. The camera backs out quarter of a mile again and again until the city is far below. A shape comes flying up extraordinarily fast; as it gets within 20 feet it turns out to be Neo.)

Neo: I can fly! You might have seen a housefly, or maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen-

(Neo's face smashes against the camera.)

Neo: Ergh.

THE END


End file.
